What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:32
As i do to all so called friends.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why is my ex mad I moved on when he dumped me?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When she asked me how she looked .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why am I more attracted to black men?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Put me off passion for life!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
How was your first cuckolding experience as a husband?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do so many autistic adults deal with self-hatred?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But, we were locked up after school.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have BPD. Why do I destroy everyone I love?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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I have no regrets .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What did i know ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Are there any real-life examples of prisoners who escaped from hospitals and were never caught?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
(And it was in our own minds.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Can a relationship really last forever?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She wouldn,t have been !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I waited trembling.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I said to her
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My life is so biszare .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She loved him until the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was scared of men, in general
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were not on the streets..
She was in good health!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it wasn’t much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!